President Biden today announced sweeping changes to the US Military Officer training programs. Citing a “lack of gay diversity” and “the need to be more fashionable” among the ranks, the Commander in Chief announced these changes while overlooking new proposed uniform changes for personnel.

The President: “Come on man”… we need more beefcakes within the ranks like back in my days when I would play with gay men in the showers and lather up everyone. It’s vital we show and teach our kids that it’s OK to snuggle up with a battle buddy in the sack, and if you get a pocket rocket, it’s still OK if it accidentally spews out…it means you are in tune with today’s culture and not a racist.

The proposed changes would bring in new officer classes and roles. From Shower Inspection Officers to to Combat Manicure/Pedicure Officers to help fill the ranks with stylish and flamboyant looks that can potentially scare the enemy in battle.

One ROTC candidate looks forward to the possibilities. Jared Packer from San Francisco clearly wants to help 5th Group with these changes. When I get to Fort Campbell, I’m going to help bring fashion and style to the battalion! I love this, and I love my President, woohooo

Ft. Campbell press offices have not returned our request for comments.