WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling “The Most Presidential Beef Since Taft vs. The White House Bathtub,” former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly drafted an executive order aimed at preventing Puerto Rican megastar Bad Bunny from performing at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.

According to unnamed insiders, the 45th President is “deeply concerned about the moral direction of halftime entertainment” and wants to restore “good, wholesome, all-American values — like fireworks, bald eagles, and Aerosmith featuring Kid Rock.”

The Great Halftime Purification Act

Leaked portions of the draft order, titled The Great Halftime Purification Act of 2025, include the following proposals:

1. All halftime performers must “have sung in English for at least 80% of their discography.”

2. Backup dancers must “face east toward Mount Rushmore at all times.”

3. The national anthem must be hummed, before any reggaetón beat drops.

Trump allegedly told aides, “We’re bringing back Christian music. Real Christian music. Like Elvis. Or Kanye. Well… early Kanye. Not spaceship Kanye.”

When They Realized Bad Bunny is Actually a Christian

The plan reportedly hit turbulence after aides informed Trump that Bad Bunny is, in fact, both Christian and American.

The room went silent.

Sources say Trump blinked twice, adjusted his tie, and said, “Okay, but not that kind of Christian. We’re talking the TobyMac kind. The one with fewer glitter jackets.”

The aide who broke the news has not been seen since, though a new Mar-a-Lago DJ gig opened the following morning.

The Cultural Fallout

The reaction has been seismic. Evangelical X/Twitter briefly melted down trying to reconcile their love of faith-based freedom with their confusion over whether Puerto Rico is, indeed, part of America.

One Florida pastor posted:

“If Bad Bunny loves Jesus, then maybe we need to love Bad Bunny. But only if he promises not to twerk during the bridge of ‘Tití Me Preguntó.’”

Meanwhile, political pundits are already spinning the move as the “Halftime Wall.” A Fox anchor explained, “This isn’t about music. It’s about keeping unwanted beats from infecting the youth of America. We need to draw the line.”

NFL’s Response

The NFL issued a polite statement saying they “welcome all performers who can survive the pyrotechnics,” and reminded reporters that “the halftime show is about inclusivity, choreography, and the ability to withstand 40,000 gallons of artificial rain.”

Insiders say that, behind closed doors, the league is secretly thrilled by the controversy, noting that last year’s halftime show featuring “U2’s holograms and a confused Jason Aldean” barely trended for 15 minutes.

Bad Bunny Responds

When asked for comment, Bad Bunny simply said (translated from Spanish),

“I don’t know what’s happening, but if Trump wants to dance, he can join me on stage. I’ll even give him a bunny mask.”

The comment immediately spawned a viral TikTok filter called “Executive Order Bunny Mode” featuring Trump’s face bobbing to reggaetón.
By midnight, it had more views than CNN.

A Nation Divided — Again

Political analysts are calling this the defining cultural moment of 2025 — right up there with the great Chick-fil-A Sauce Shortage and The Taylor Swift Congressional Hearing.

At press time, Trump’s team was reportedly revising the order to include “an emergency alternative halftime performer” — a rumored lineup of Ted Nugent, a 30-foot inflatable cross, and one bald eagle “with natural charisma.”

God bless America.
And, apparently, Bad Bunny too.